This is stupid

Mike turned off the power to our house. He called the power company, used Mom's social security number and changed the mailing address of the bills to his apartment in Austin instead of them going to the house. He then ignored the bills, threw them away, whatever. Then, when the notifications of them turning the power off, instead of paying the bills, or at least calling mom or me and giving us a heads up, and ignores them. So our power was shut off and all that food that mom and I spent our last dimes on is spoiled. Well, mom used her credit card and paid what the power guys needed to turn it back on. $700. I'll repeat that- $700. What's worse is that (he couldn't have timed this better) the day our power was shut off, Mike skipped not only town, but country and went to South America. We know that he did it becuase the power company told us. There's no whirming out of this one.

AND! Because he's out of town and therefore, unreachable, I can't get the information from him I need to put him on my insurance. So I can't get my car registered. So i can't get it inspected. So on Sunday, when Mom takes the truck to New Mexico, I don't have a vehicle until she or Mike gets back. So that's, what? A month? Yeah. I'm fucked. I start work in two weeks. It's over a hundred degrees outside and i'll be walking to work. Fan fuckin tastic.

Alright, enough bitching. I'm sorry. I was just a little... angry. Better now.

UUuuuuuugh.

The Killers say it better than I do...

My List

Let me wrap myself around you
Let you show me how I see
And when you come back in from nowhere
Do you ever think of me?

Your heart is not able
Let me show you how much I care
I need those eyes to tide me over
I’ll take your picture when I go
It gives me strength and gives me patience
But I’ll never let you know

I got nothing on you, Baby
But I always said I'd try
Let me show you how much I care
Cuz sometimes it gets hard
And don’t you know

Don’t give the ghost up, just clench your fist
You should have known by now you were on my list
When your heart is not able
And your prayers they’re not fables
Let me show you
Let me show you
Let me show you how much I care

~No matter how hard it gets, no matter how hopeless it seems, you'll always have someone to talk to and visit you. No matter what happens, between us or otherwise, I'll be here for you. I promise.

I hope you're sleeping well tonight.

I'm Having

A Really Rough Time

Nothing bad has happened since I got here, well, besides Jackoff running his mouth to the whole town about how I belong to him. No one has died, gotten in a fight, been arrested, gotten sick, broken up, ect. But I feel awful. For instance, I got really sad, genuinly sad, that HEB didn't have raspberry jam. I'm not kidding. How retarded is that? I seriously almost cried I was so sad. Then I got pissed at myself for being a stupid girl. A whole bunch of stuff like has been going on for the past couple days. Mom says it's my "depression actin up again" pills will solve it. Right. They worked so well last time. I want to be ok with myself for once, just once. I liked myself you know? I really did. Now, I don't know. It's not that I don't like myself, I'm just afraid of myself.

Makes no sense I know. I need to relax and focus my attention elsewhere, keep my hands busy. Do something before I rot on this couch.

On a brighter, less psycho note:
I just got back from Live Free or Die Hard. My brotha took me. It was so awesome! Oh my god! So good. He kills a helicopter with a car, rides a fighter jet, gets hit by cars, shot, thrown out of all kinds of places, gets blown up and still fucking walks out of there. Fucking amazing. Go see it. Like right now. Even that kid is great, the one from Waiting and the Mac in the Mac commercials.

This is stupid but,

I just finished watching Forrest Gump for the first time in a long time and I'm crying. Forrest said goodbye to Jenny at her grave and my eyes just started watering. At first it was because she died and just her death was sad. Then it was because I hope one day I'll be loved as much as Forrest loved Jenny. Then it was because I'm so confused and nervous and scared. I'm not hurt. He didn't hurt me. That's not what this is. I've been avoiding the word love that I'm afraid to say it at all. But I do know what it is and it's never left me has it? Just hid for awhile. I don't know. But I do at the same time.

I feel embarrassed for people who read this. I must sound really dumb.

ANYway to something good- I'm watching Willow and it's awesome.

Today I Walked

and I saw so many things. I bustled through Saturday Market on a mission to find rugs. On a mission to find a new chain for my pendant. I rushed through Ross on the mission to find rugs. I dashed to Spartacus to visit a friend. I ran into another old friend where we then went to find lunch. We caught a movie and parted ways. I hurried home to meet him. We raced to get the rest of my belongings from the old place then turned back around and raced back home. I bolted to Trader Joes for some cash. I hastened to Freddies on a final mission for nail polish remover. Finally, no missions left, no errands remaining, nothing left to rush for, I strolled slowly back to where I lay my head.

In my head I thought about the empty night streets. I thought about the trees with their new leaves. I thought about how those leaves look when the sun shone through them the way they did today. I thought about how when I looked up today I saw blue. I saw the blue sky. I thought about the woman pushing a stroller and her vibrant bright pink hair. I thought about the hunreds of people enjoying the day and the thousands more that rushed through it like I did. I thought about my family. I looked through the green leaves luminated by the sun and how lucky I am. I thought about how wonderful this city is. I thought about so many things.

I looked up at the sky and saw stars. A flash of the night sky in Hawaii flashed through my mind. I remembered what the night sky was supposed to look like. I remembered seeing The Milky Way, the entire galaxy opened up right above Hawaii. I looked down at the ground and saw flower petals. Hundreds of flower petals fallen from the trees above me. The blooms have been replaced by green and I remembered the twisted oak trees of Texas. I remembered how Texas wasn't supposed to look the way it did; brown, twisted, dead.

For the first time in a long while, I could hold my head up high and not realize it. I didn't have to make an effort to be happy. I realized I really was happy. I realized this life gets better and better. I realized all over again how beautiful Portland is.

Christina Aguilera

is a Whore.

No question about it. I just watched the first thirty seconds of the "Dirty" video. It made me so fucking angry I had to leave the room. I made it until the words, "Sweat'n til my clothes come off" came out of her mouth which is a really really long time. Is this really what women have to do for attention in the entertainment industry? Because that is seriously disgusting. I'm seriously on the verge of tears thinking about how sad it is.

So my boyfriend's roommate was who I was watching it with. He seemed completely taken by her humping the air and being nearly gang banged by forty people. So I get up and go into my boyfriend's room. I opened the door and he heard the "song" and smiled real big saying, "Is that the 'Dirty' video?" and went in with Kurt to watch it. Really, I'm not angry or disgusted, just confused as to why this woman and the dozens before her appeal to people in this country. Is it really that great to be gang banged by a room full of strangers? Is that really what the opposite sex wants?

And how are young girls affected by her? Is that really the way we want girls to think is ok to be when they're older? I'm all for having a healthy sex drive, and I'm all for sexuality, but when it comes to nearly fucking hundreds of people (and call it "dancing." Last I checked, that was dry humping, a.k.a. foreplay.) and stripping on national television to "music" that they supposedly write, while somehow creating a fanbase of preteen girls when I have a fucking problem. Little girls do not need to be idolizing women who are so empty and without substance that they have to take all of their clothes off to get someone to notice them. They don't need and should never listen to that shit and get the implication that it's music. Ever. E V E R.

So to the SIXTEEN MILLION FUCKING PEOPLE in this country that bought her "album," YOU'RE ALL IDIOTIC, SHALLOW, USELESS HUMAN BEINGS, UNLESS OF COURSE, YOU WERE BUYING IT FOR THE ALBUM PHOTOS TO JACK OFF TO (WHICH IS THE ONLY THING THE ALBUM WOULD BE GOOD FOR) OR A YOUNG NAIIVE PRETEEN GIRL WHO DOESN'T KNOW ANY BETTER. I feel sorry for you, I really do. Do the world and the little girls in this world a favor and boycott the empty, pathetic, fake, lying, shallow, strippers who act to the very limit of legality for national television music video broadcasting. Please. I got a good idea for you, to stop your addiction for empty idols, go online and do a search for "hot group sex" and you'll actually get real sex. Real people having real sex for your entertainment without shitty music to have to buy into. And people will actually cum all over the woman's tits. You will actually get satisfaction. No teasing, no talking, and no cuddling afterwards, just like you like your women; for forty five minutes (tops of course), without a nasaly voice (let alone a voice at all), without any real connection, without a brain.

Relations

Everyone I know is breaking up or has given up on finding anyone. My brother, my mom, Mike, Darlene, Chris, The Tiffanator, ect. My sister and I are left. Hopefully we'll pull through.

I just talked to Darlene for a couple of hours. We talked about how the breakup between her and Kaz affected her and how it went down. He cheated on her, she broke it off. As simple as that sounds, the feelings, obviously, are so much more complex. We were discussing whether or not our relationships fail because of a pattern that we've unknowingly been following since we hit puberty. And, if so, how do we stop it if we didn't even know we were following one? Darlene's pattern is abuse, from Jay to William. Darlene, as well as I, thought that Kaz was the pattern breaker. That Kaz was the one that would finally show her what a normal relationship was supposed to be. Well, in a way, he did break the pattern... By starting a new one, adultery.
Tiffany said something awesome awhile back, "Everyone I've dated led up to him." What she meant was that every horrible relationship she ever had were just trials and the prize was Kyle. They were the suffering before the heaven. You have to experience suffering to know what peace is, right? And sure, we're young, so we've got a lot of years to find the one that all these had led up to but honestly, Darlene has suffered enough. Attempted rape, being beaten, cheated on, ect.?! Does she really have to go through even more?! I'm sorry but I won't allow it. The pain, manipulation, the passive aggressive bullshit, the lies?

She also mentioned not letting a man define her as a woman. She learned that the hard way. I still haven't. For the past four years, Darlene and Kaz were inseperable. They called eachother several times a day and hung out in the evenings. He was her everything. She even took him with her to the coast to see me. She had friends but they weren't really her friends, just leeches that fed off of her. Crystal, I'm talking about you. Elliot, I'm talking about you. Cory, I'm talking about you (Cory, if I ever see you again I am going to rip your dick off and feed it to you after sticking it up your ass. And I'm not kidding. I don't hate anything more then rapists.). So now, she's alone. She says she doesn't want anymore friends because of the ones she's had. My god, Darlene, you need them. When you make friends, good people, they can help you through the worst times... Like right now. And I know that its hard to trust anyone after all the shit that you've been through but the only faith you and I have is in people, right? So, find some people that can renew that faith. It took a lot to get me back to that. To renew my faith. Dorian, Ilan and Sarah Laks were the ones that did it for me. They showed me that not everyone is bad. That not everyone is horrible. That there are some people out there that are genuinely good. People that, even though you had hurt them, would drop anything to be there for you. People that would take you in when you are in a dangerous spot even though they didn't even know you that well. People that really actually do care.

When my mom came up she brought some of my film that she had developed. One of the rolls was of Josh and Brandi, Luke's best friends. Four of them were of me. I remember when that roll was taken; three weeks before he broke up with me. I look miserable in them. I look absolutely awful. Like my whole family had just been brutally murdered. It's amazing how I didnt see it. How blind I was, thinking that Luke was the one. Why do we realize the truth years later? Why is it that when I look at those pictures I see the most depressed girl in the world but at the time I truly believed I was happy? Are we really that blind that we can't look at ourselves and see when things are really bad?

Are we that blind that we call our family members and talk shit about the other person when really we are at fault? That everything that we say about the other person is what you really mean about yourself? It's not their obligation to choose sides and it's not America's obligation to tell another country how to run it. You think I'm selfish? Have you once looked at her side of the story? She hasn't said a bad word about you and here you are spouting the words, "psychotic, bitch, idiot, denial," like it's any of my business. Woops! Tangent.

Ok, I've talked enough today. Wow. I talk way too much... Sorry everyone- if you actually read this far. To be conclusive, those friends of mine that are going through a rough time, I'm so sorry you have to bear this pain. It sucks and I'm sorry.

This is the only thing I care about. Not these pictures. Not the camera that took them. But the eye that saw the potential. I'm proud to have the gift my mother bestowed upon me. And even though I sometimes feel inadequate or untalented, I know that I am. I'm not narcissistic. Ask anyone. This blog is the first time I have ever shown pride in myself. Thank you, Mom. My eye I got from you.

Karma

Sharon was a horrible person. Not exactly mass murderer horrible but more like average horrible. She didn't tip servers. She cut people off on the freeway. She kicked stray dogs. So when Sharon was gutted by a disgruntled homeless child, no one was entirely surprised.

When she got off of work at the DMV, she realized her car had been towed. Sharon also didn't care about the handicapped, parking in their parking spots frequently. This meant that she had to walk to the nearest bus stop about eight blocks away. Halfway there, she passed under an overpass with sleeping bags full of the unappreciated homeless. One of these poor souls was sleeping across the sidewalk blocking any pedestrian traffic from passing by. All Sharon had to do was step over the man. Instead, because she was already annoyed from having to walk eight blocks, she began to kick him as hard as she could. She screamed at him to get out of the way between kicks. This obvious and very loud abuse woke up the surrounding residents who peaked out from the bags and blankets and timidly watched.

A small orphan boy of maybe eight years old was curled up at the feet of another older homeless man who was kind enough to share his sleeping bag with him. When he heard the shrieking evil voice of Sharon, he began to scoot up towards the opening, trying not to disturb his kind savior. He peaked out over his companion's head, like the others, timidly watching the horrible woman have her fun. Quickly, but silently, and without emotion, the orphan reached into his savior's pile of miscellaneous cherished valuables, sifting through god knows what until he felt something cold. Something metallic, small and long, flat and sharp. Finding it, he crawled out, making no sound at all, and crouched around the demon. Using the shadows he made his way from the cement columns to the pavement, to the sidewalk, waiting for the right moment.

Meanwhile, Sharon, oblivious to the small glowing grey eyes creeping around her in the dark, has begun to kick the poor man to the side, against one of the massive columns, out of the way of the sidewalk. She started to feel tired, her arms and legs burning from the hard impacts against the man's now mushy body. As the man is pummeled to the side, a trail of blood, seeping out of the bad, has made the sidewalk a dark red-brown.
Finally, the then pulped man had been moved out of the way, curled around the nearest column. Breathing heavily, with shaking fists at her sides, her eyes burning with rage, Sharon looked up. There, standing before her, was the orphan, a silhouette of a thin frame, still and silent. All she could see to identify him was the glowing grey of his eyes glaring into hers. Something shined low, in his hand, she saw it. The blade.

"What do you want?" she snapped hoarsely at the glow. He said nothing, didn't blink, staring at her, silent and still, unaffected. A few moments went by and she stood up straight, puzzled by the absence of a reaction. She began to quiver, but, trying to mask her fear her voice shook, "Get out of my way. Dirty parasite." She stepped over the trail of blood left by the probable dead of the now blood soaked sleeping bag. She took a few steps toward the young boy just close enough to feel bigger than him. She thought for sure he would move with her walking towards him but he didn't. He remained, following her with his eyes, locked onto hers. She got nervous then, and tried to walk around him. He then moved in her way, staying in front of her making sure she couldn't get past. So she went to the right, he did the same, staying in front of her with a grace that should be unknown to children his age. She went from a quiver to shaking with fear, she could not break eye contact, she could not look away from the grey.

A moment went by. What felt like a week was really a nanosecond. Suddenly, a small smile crept in the corner of The Orphan's mouth. Sharon's eyes widened, her mouth opened, as though she was screaming, but there was no sound. The Orphan struck terror into her heart with only his smile. The others, the surrounding residents looked on, without expression, without guilt for what they all knew was about to happen. There was a flash of light reflecting, then a thud of meat hitting cement. Everyone around closed their eyes tight or hid under blankets. When they looked again, The Orphan was gone, and Sharon was cut nearly in half, her intestines and organs spilt onto the pavement next to her body. Her organs were covered in a brown substance that smelled horrible. No one really wanted to know what it was. Next to the kind man who helped The Orphan by giving him a warm place to sleep, was his blade, without of drop of blood on it.

The autopsy report of Sharon Buttz was interesting. The coroner found very small fingernail shards in the ripped skin of her wound, suggesting the murder weapon was none other then someones bare hands. The coroner also found more fecal matter in this woman's body then in any other person he had ever cut open in the past forty two years of his career. It was his belief that the reason that Ms. Sharon Buttz was such a horrible person was because she hadn't taken a shit in over twenty years. Her asshole was so tight, it wouldn't let the fecal matter leave no matter how long she tried or how hard she pushed. Although this information explained a great deal, no one really felt sorry for Ms. Buttz and all were glad to be rid of her.

As far as The Orphan is concerned, no one believed that he existed except those who were there to see the murder and no one believes the homeless anyway so his involvement let alone his existence was never reported or mentioned ever again. It could be because they didn't want to believe that a small child could do such a thing. It could be because most would think that it was a joke. But it's probably because if he did exist, why punish him for ridding the world of Sharon Buttz?

Oh, and the man she pummeled to death? He died halfway through his beating.

Jam

"I just lost my virginity in a confessional, Mom. LORD HAVE MERCY!"


Detroit Rock City, at the moment, is my favorite movie. It's funny, has likeable characters, and speaks to the youth of yesterday, today, and tomorrow. Not to mention the soundtrack which kicks some serious ass. Go rent it. It's awesome.