The Duke Spirit

I can hear their enthusiastic laughter from two rooms down the hall. They’re watching a blast from the past; an eighties teen movie about time travel. Mum’s laugh is high pitched and loud with a sinister twist as though she’s trying too hard. Hers can be heard above all else and it makes me flinch each time. I’m tired of hearing them. There is so little room here it’s hard for me to breath. I can escape the claustrophobia, ironically, in our little room with the large dog and psychotic cat as I wait for Love to come home. With my headphones on and the music as loud as I can take it, with a towel stuffed under the door, with my fingers tapping the keys as I type, I can still hear them laughing. I can still hear them.

I wonder sometimes if how I feel is the correct, or “right,” way to feel. Is something wrong with me because I don’t want to live here rent free with the parents? Because I don’t want to hang out and socialize with them when I get off work? Because I get claustrophobic whenever I’m near just one of them let alone both? Why can’t I be okay with everything? Why can’t I just let shit go? Is it because everyone else does and I feel like it’s important that someone finds it critical? Or is it because of the small chance that I resent them for the empty promises, the idea to move here, the fact that they blame everyone else for the pub closing but not themselves? Is it because I resent them for automatically taking Anne’s side the night she blew a gasket because some lights were on in the house? Then automatically take her side again three weeks after that when it happened again?
….Yeah. That could be it. I wish I wasn’t so angry. All the time.

Her gentle voice echoes from my ears to the core of me. She sounds like a ghost chanting in remembrance of her beautiful life. Her voice isn’t deep. It isn’t high. It’s indescribable in how beautiful it is. “No one wastes time quite like I do…I can waste time like nobody else…You can go running back to your friends. Well that how it feels. That’s how it feels. I would understand your heart…If I could feel it.” It reverberates over and over again in my mind as I remember how that felt. I think of the difference in me since then. “All I have is all that I’m feeling…All I feel, well, it’s all that I know… and then I use it every day… and abuse it in everyway… and that’s how it feels. Yeah that’s how it feels.” I remember what I was like. I know what I’m like now. “The sky is more certain than you will ever be... The rain clouds are angry at you, and at me... Forgive me, Baby... You’re not all that you seem…I would understand your heart if I could feel it.” I remember everything. I realize as I listen that I hadn’t thought about all of it in quite awhile. I don’t feel angry. I don’t feel ashamed. I don’t feel… anything. Just curious as to why? Why was I that way? But I know I will never know. And that doesn’t upset me either. No questions would be answered correctly. No questions would be asked correctly. And there’s no real point in bringing it all up again. Nothing comes of it.

At least now I can just shrug and smile.

Okay?

I just read my last blog from July 12 of last year. I am now married and am about to move to Orlando with my husband, brother, brother in law, sister in law, and mother and father in law. It's amazing that only a year has gone by.

I went to my mom's house for dinner tonight. We all talked about where we all were a year ago. I was in Portland, Jon was here looking for work, Drena (my sister in law) had just moved here with her husband, David (my husband) was in Orlando packing to move here, and Mom was recently divorced from her husband of 18 years. It was such a spectacular question (where were you this time a year ago?) that we all had to sit in silence contemplating the significance of it. In a year's time, Drena's husband died of Cystic Fibrosis, David moved here, I moved here, Jon met the love of his life, Mom became a realter, I moved to Texas, David and I fell madly in love and were married. Did I mention that my husband's sister and my brother are now "an item?" Oh yeah. They are. And they are an amazing priceless item at that. They hooked up at David and I's bachelor/bachelorrette party in Port A the weekend of our wedding. It was very cool. Unfortunately for some (my best friend Darlene), Jon chose who he wished his heart to belong to.

Did I mention my brother and my best friend had a fling? Oh no, I didn't. Well, they did, and Jon picked the person he was in love with rather the person he wanted to fuck. Sorry Darlene. Oh! And did I mention that Darlene and I are no longer friends? Well we aren't. She acted like a total ass at my wedding and was completely against us getting married and I haven't talked to her since. No offense but she can go fuck herself.

.... ANYWAY... The year has been very strange and severely life changing for all of us. I'm lucky to have my husband- damn lucky. and I wouldn't give up the hardships of the year for all the money in the world.

This is stupid

Mike turned off the power to our house. He called the power company, used Mom's social security number and changed the mailing address of the bills to his apartment in Austin instead of them going to the house. He then ignored the bills, threw them away, whatever. Then, when the notifications of them turning the power off, instead of paying the bills, or at least calling mom or me and giving us a heads up, and ignores them. So our power was shut off and all that food that mom and I spent our last dimes on is spoiled. Well, mom used her credit card and paid what the power guys needed to turn it back on. $700. I'll repeat that- $700. What's worse is that (he couldn't have timed this better) the day our power was shut off, Mike skipped not only town, but country and went to South America. We know that he did it becuase the power company told us. There's no whirming out of this one.

AND! Because he's out of town and therefore, unreachable, I can't get the information from him I need to put him on my insurance. So I can't get my car registered. So i can't get it inspected. So on Sunday, when Mom takes the truck to New Mexico, I don't have a vehicle until she or Mike gets back. So that's, what? A month? Yeah. I'm fucked. I start work in two weeks. It's over a hundred degrees outside and i'll be walking to work. Fan fuckin tastic.

Alright, enough bitching. I'm sorry. I was just a little... angry. Better now.

UUuuuuuugh.

The Killers say it better than I do...

My List

Let me wrap myself around you
Let you show me how I see
And when you come back in from nowhere
Do you ever think of me?

Your heart is not able
Let me show you how much I care
I need those eyes to tide me over
I’ll take your picture when I go
It gives me strength and gives me patience
But I’ll never let you know

I got nothing on you, Baby
But I always said I'd try
Let me show you how much I care
Cuz sometimes it gets hard
And don’t you know

Don’t give the ghost up, just clench your fist
You should have known by now you were on my list
When your heart is not able
And your prayers they’re not fables
Let me show you
Let me show you
Let me show you how much I care

~No matter how hard it gets, no matter how hopeless it seems, you'll always have someone to talk to and visit you. No matter what happens, between us or otherwise, I'll be here for you. I promise.

I hope you're sleeping well tonight.

I'm Having

A Really Rough Time

Nothing bad has happened since I got here, well, besides Jackoff running his mouth to the whole town about how I belong to him. No one has died, gotten in a fight, been arrested, gotten sick, broken up, ect. But I feel awful. For instance, I got really sad, genuinly sad, that HEB didn't have raspberry jam. I'm not kidding. How retarded is that? I seriously almost cried I was so sad. Then I got pissed at myself for being a stupid girl. A whole bunch of stuff like has been going on for the past couple days. Mom says it's my "depression actin up again" pills will solve it. Right. They worked so well last time. I want to be ok with myself for once, just once. I liked myself you know? I really did. Now, I don't know. It's not that I don't like myself, I'm just afraid of myself.

Makes no sense I know. I need to relax and focus my attention elsewhere, keep my hands busy. Do something before I rot on this couch.

On a brighter, less psycho note:
I just got back from Live Free or Die Hard. My brotha took me. It was so awesome! Oh my god! So good. He kills a helicopter with a car, rides a fighter jet, gets hit by cars, shot, thrown out of all kinds of places, gets blown up and still fucking walks out of there. Fucking amazing. Go see it. Like right now. Even that kid is great, the one from Waiting and the Mac in the Mac commercials.

This is stupid but,

I just finished watching Forrest Gump for the first time in a long time and I'm crying. Forrest said goodbye to Jenny at her grave and my eyes just started watering. At first it was because she died and just her death was sad. Then it was because I hope one day I'll be loved as much as Forrest loved Jenny. Then it was because I'm so confused and nervous and scared. I'm not hurt. He didn't hurt me. That's not what this is. I've been avoiding the word love that I'm afraid to say it at all. But I do know what it is and it's never left me has it? Just hid for awhile. I don't know. But I do at the same time.

I feel embarrassed for people who read this. I must sound really dumb.

ANYway to something good- I'm watching Willow and it's awesome.

Today I Walked

and I saw so many things. I bustled through Saturday Market on a mission to find rugs. On a mission to find a new chain for my pendant. I rushed through Ross on the mission to find rugs. I dashed to Spartacus to visit a friend. I ran into another old friend where we then went to find lunch. We caught a movie and parted ways. I hurried home to meet him. We raced to get the rest of my belongings from the old place then turned back around and raced back home. I bolted to Trader Joes for some cash. I hastened to Freddies on a final mission for nail polish remover. Finally, no missions left, no errands remaining, nothing left to rush for, I strolled slowly back to where I lay my head.

In my head I thought about the empty night streets. I thought about the trees with their new leaves. I thought about how those leaves look when the sun shone through them the way they did today. I thought about how when I looked up today I saw blue. I saw the blue sky. I thought about the woman pushing a stroller and her vibrant bright pink hair. I thought about the hunreds of people enjoying the day and the thousands more that rushed through it like I did. I thought about my family. I looked through the green leaves luminated by the sun and how lucky I am. I thought about how wonderful this city is. I thought about so many things.

I looked up at the sky and saw stars. A flash of the night sky in Hawaii flashed through my mind. I remembered what the night sky was supposed to look like. I remembered seeing The Milky Way, the entire galaxy opened up right above Hawaii. I looked down at the ground and saw flower petals. Hundreds of flower petals fallen from the trees above me. The blooms have been replaced by green and I remembered the twisted oak trees of Texas. I remembered how Texas wasn't supposed to look the way it did; brown, twisted, dead.

For the first time in a long while, I could hold my head up high and not realize it. I didn't have to make an effort to be happy. I realized I really was happy. I realized this life gets better and better. I realized all over again how beautiful Portland is.